Last night I left off just before telling you about the talk that Thomas and I had. If you haven't read it already, you should go do it now so you'll know what's going on.
...
I didn't manage to fall asleep until after 4am. Even then, I had terrible, confusing dreams that kept waking me. When I would reach out to Thomas for comfort, he wasn't there. I couldn't get comfortable because I didn't know what to do with my arms. The alarm clock went off at 6:30, as usual, and when I walked into the living room, and saw him sleeping on the couch I knew I couldn't make it through the day without some answers. I went to him and stroked his face and tried to kiss his cheek, but he turned away from me. That cut, too, because he did it in his sleep.
I decided that I couldn't take Noah to school because I was afraid I might fall asleep driving. In reality, I was afraid that Thomas would be gone when I got back. So I went back to bed and slept until nearly 10:00. He was still sleeping when I got back up, so I woke him and asked him to please talk to me. I couldn't stand it. Some of my friends suggested that I just don't say anything, but I heard and saw how he felt, and I knew that if I couldn't find some way to fix this, it would be over for good.
After torturing me for a few more minutes while he woke up, Thomas finally sat down to talk. I won't give you the whole play by play. It was a fight. You know how they go. Besides, I was so torn apart emotionally that I wouldn't be able to remember it all to save my life. I only remember enough to save my marriage, and that's good enough for me.
Basically, the whole problem is that Thomas expects for me to take care of him. He doesn't expect me to wipe his ass, but he may as well. He told me I don't clean the house well enough and that he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home because he has to do everything at work. That I should prepare his dinner, fix his plate, and take his plate to the garbage when he's done. That I said I would quit smoking but didn't. That I haven't made any progress with my weight loss, and that I don't go to the gym three times a week like I should. That he shouldn't have to clean the kids' rooms, and that he shouldn't have to fold laundry. That I had to stop pressuring him to buy me a house, and if I couldn't keep this tiny place clean, he wouldn't buy one for me.
It went on and on. I tried to keep my mouth shut and just let him get it all out of his system before I said anything. I know I don't keep the house as clean as I should, but it's far from nasty. Come on. You've seen all the photos I've put on here. Look in the background of them. You'll see some mess, sure, but it's not as if DHEC would take the kids away or anything. I guess I have let it slide the last two or three weeks, but maybe it's because he never said anything good about it. I have three very demanding little kids here. Every time I start on something, one of them needs me. They've learned from me and Thomas, that I am a slave to them. Well, I'm not and I'm putting a stop to it now. I can't keep up with everything when I have to do everything for all of them!
I told Thomas that I do need to clean better, but he never comes home to a mess. I always pick up before he gets here. Sure, there may be dishes, but they're all in the sink. The floors may need to be vacuumed and swept, but all the toys have been picked up. I told him how I have to do everything for him, like throwing his plate away, or fixing him something to eat at 1am because he didn't bother to eat while he was at work. When we're sitting together on the couch he asks me to go get him a drink. I know I've done it to myself, but I thought he respected me enough to not take advantage of me. I gave him hell for a lot of the things he said, especially the weight loss. It's hard to go to the gym when I don't go to sleep until at least 2am because he won't come on home from work. I told him anything to do with my diet is off limits. He's not allowed to talk about it to me. I understand that he's the boss at work and that it's hard to change rolls when he gets home. I've been the boss at nearly every job I had, so I get it. But that he's not the boss of me. We're a partnership and if he wanted to save the marriage he would have to change too. It's not all me. He should help me with some things in the house. He lives here too, and he's a parent too. It's not just my job. I told him I don't want him to do any real house-work, just pick up after himself and do things for himself so that I can do other things.
I asked him if he still loves me, and at first he said he had fallen out of love with me over the last few weeks. Later, I asked him again. He admitted that he does love me, and that he doesn't want to leave, but he needed me to know that he's serious. I told him next time don't wait until it's at that point. To just sit me down and talk to me if he has a problem with something. He said he shouldn't have to, that I should know by his actions and that words don't mean anything. I told him I'm a writer! Words mean everything to me!
I think we've come to an understanding. The hardest part was in the beginning when he was saying so many rude and hurtful things. I wanted to tell him if it's that bad then just go! But for once my word-filter kicked in, and I didn't say it. I know that if I had, he would have gone for good.
Now, Thomas is acting like everything's back to normal. But I'm still reeling over here! I know that actions are more important to Thomas, and he held me last night when he came home. But I need to hear the words. I need him to tell me that he's sorry. That he's as deeply in love with me as I am with him, and that he would never leave me. I don't trust him now. Sure, I trust that he's not cheating on me, and that he won't. But I don't trust him with my heart anymore. It's going to take time and a lot of convincing. Last night after he came home, he asked me why I look sad. I wanted to pop him one! I told him I need him to convince me, and he said I'm being too demanding. I guess he got it a few minutes later, because that's when he pulled me to him and held me on the couch. This morning he was more loving and gentle with me than he's been in a long time. It felt like he was kissing me because he wanted to, not because he wanted to fuck me. I've missed that, and I hadn't even realized it.
I'm sitting here now, looking at Tripp nap. He's still holding his lovey. It's getting tattered and a little stained now. The egg is half falling off and the fur is a little matted. But I'll sew the egg back on, and I'll wash it and brush it until it's fluffy and soft again. Because I know what the egg holds. It holds love and hope.
** Editor's note- The editor decided this post was too long and detailed, so the editor parsed the parts where Wendy really put Thomas in his place. She is a strong woman, as I'm sure you know, and doesn't put up with any bull-shit. I'm thinking she was in the middle of a pity party when she wrote this, and you need not fear that she is being controlled in any way. When Thomas came home last night he fixed his own food, and threw his own plate away. The editor apologizes that she removed pertinent parts and left you in doubt of the authors sanity. As always, the author appreciates any and all comments, even if you still want to say that she has lost her fucking mind. Thanks! :) **
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Break Up Break Down
I was lying in bed a little while ago getting Tripp to sleep for the night. I was holding him, he was holding his lovey (an Easter chick), and his lovey was holding an egg. It occurred to me that we all need to be held. We all also need something to hold on to. It left me wondering... What was the egg holding?
If you follow me on Twitter you know that last night I had a bit of a break-down. Thomas and I had gotten into an argument the day before yesterday. It was really stupid, like most of them are. When he had come home for his lunch-break, he spent the entire time telling me all the things I do wrong. Housekeeping being the main problem. When he was done, I said to him, "You know, you never say anything nice to me anymore." He got really pissed and left for work an hour early. When he came home that night, I wanted to talk about it and that was when we had the argument. A bunch of stupid things were said by both of us. Then he said I complain too much, so I told him I just wouldn't talk to him at all. I finished with my cleaning and went to bed. Later, I realized he was sleeping on the couch. All the lights and the TV were off. Thomas and I just don't sleep apart. Ever. In fact, most of the time when we go to bed mad, we forgive each other in our sleep and wind up moving close to each other and holding each other for the rest of the night. Anyway, I figured he was just trying to prove a point so I left him there. I mean, he is an adult. If he wanted to come to bed he would. Right?
We didn't talk yesterday morning and he didn't come home for lunch in the afternoon. After I picked Noah up from school, I sent him a text. I thought that way I could re-open the lines of communication without actually having to talk to him. The following is the text conversation we had.
Me: I love you. Even if we aren't talking right now.
Thomas: But i think I just lost my love to u last night Wendy
Me: U say that every time. So bullshit. But if its true n ur love can b lost that easy then I dont need it. All I did is call u out on how uv been acting.
T: So theres no point for us to be together right?
Me: Is that what u want? Its not what I want.
T: I dont love u and u dont need it so whats the point for us to be together?
Me: Its not fair 2 hurt me just cuz u can. I love you. But if u want 2 go its up 2 u.
T: Im tired of u.
Me: What can I say then? Go do what u feel is right.
...
Me: So r u leaving me?
T: Yes
Me: U r not the man I thought u were. Ur breaking up with me over a text message!
After that he called me and told me in no uncertain terms that we were through. He told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I was barely holding it together at that point, and I was shocked and outraged! How could he do this? Where was it coming from?? I immediately thought of the phone call from "Nic" (I wonder if there's a font for venom) the other night, and assumed that he's cheating on me. Of course he denied it (and after talking to my friend Verna, I believe him. Her husband is Thomas' boss and they're best friends, and she spends a lot of time at Kobe. I asked her if she thought Nichole is interested in Thomas, and she said she never picked up on anything and to not worry about it.).
After we hung up, I spent the next several minutes sobbing over the washing machine. I was trying to keep the kids from seeing me. I didn't want to scare them. When I got myself together a little, I sat at my desk and stared at the computer, trying to keep my back to the kids. Noah knew right away what was up, because he heard the conversation and understood what it meant. He came over and rubbed my back and I fell apart. I hyperventilated. It really felt like my entire world had just fallen apart. It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. It felt like Thomas had died, only worse because he chose it! He didn't love me anymore and all the beliefs I had ever had about anything were thrown to the ground and shattered under his words. In the midst of the blackness, I tweeted that he had left me. I felt so alone!
I immediately got dozens of responses. I hope that every one of you from last night are reading now. You will never know what you did for me with those few keystrokes. You pulled me back from the brink when nothing else, not even the kids, would have been able to. I couldn't even look at the kids because every time I saw them, I saw Thomas. And I saw a future without him. Thank you for being there. You're all heroes.
On the phone, Thomas had told me that he would be coming home after work to get his clothes and things and that we would talk. My mom and Verna convinced me that he was just mad, and that when we talked we would work it out. I clung to that. I kept telling myself that. He called me at 11:40 and told me he would be coming soon. So I waited. He didn't bother to show up until 2:47. By that time I was in bed. I came into the living room, but he said we would just talk in the morning. He laid down on the couch and wouldn't look at me or talk to me or anything.
I just looked back at everything I've written so far. I'm drained from it. I've gotten past all those feelings and it hurt to make myself remember them for you. So for tonight, I've got to call it quits. I'll finish it tomorrow.
To be continued...
If you follow me on Twitter you know that last night I had a bit of a break-down. Thomas and I had gotten into an argument the day before yesterday. It was really stupid, like most of them are. When he had come home for his lunch-break, he spent the entire time telling me all the things I do wrong. Housekeeping being the main problem. When he was done, I said to him, "You know, you never say anything nice to me anymore." He got really pissed and left for work an hour early. When he came home that night, I wanted to talk about it and that was when we had the argument. A bunch of stupid things were said by both of us. Then he said I complain too much, so I told him I just wouldn't talk to him at all. I finished with my cleaning and went to bed. Later, I realized he was sleeping on the couch. All the lights and the TV were off. Thomas and I just don't sleep apart. Ever. In fact, most of the time when we go to bed mad, we forgive each other in our sleep and wind up moving close to each other and holding each other for the rest of the night. Anyway, I figured he was just trying to prove a point so I left him there. I mean, he is an adult. If he wanted to come to bed he would. Right?
We didn't talk yesterday morning and he didn't come home for lunch in the afternoon. After I picked Noah up from school, I sent him a text. I thought that way I could re-open the lines of communication without actually having to talk to him. The following is the text conversation we had.
Me: I love you. Even if we aren't talking right now.
Thomas: But i think I just lost my love to u last night Wendy
Me: U say that every time. So bullshit. But if its true n ur love can b lost that easy then I dont need it. All I did is call u out on how uv been acting.
T: So theres no point for us to be together right?
Me: Is that what u want? Its not what I want.
T: I dont love u and u dont need it so whats the point for us to be together?
Me: Its not fair 2 hurt me just cuz u can. I love you. But if u want 2 go its up 2 u.
T: Im tired of u.
Me: What can I say then? Go do what u feel is right.
...
Me: So r u leaving me?
T: Yes
Me: U r not the man I thought u were. Ur breaking up with me over a text message!
After that he called me and told me in no uncertain terms that we were through. He told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I was barely holding it together at that point, and I was shocked and outraged! How could he do this? Where was it coming from?? I immediately thought of the phone call from "Nic" (I wonder if there's a font for venom) the other night, and assumed that he's cheating on me. Of course he denied it (and after talking to my friend Verna, I believe him. Her husband is Thomas' boss and they're best friends, and she spends a lot of time at Kobe. I asked her if she thought Nichole is interested in Thomas, and she said she never picked up on anything and to not worry about it.).
After we hung up, I spent the next several minutes sobbing over the washing machine. I was trying to keep the kids from seeing me. I didn't want to scare them. When I got myself together a little, I sat at my desk and stared at the computer, trying to keep my back to the kids. Noah knew right away what was up, because he heard the conversation and understood what it meant. He came over and rubbed my back and I fell apart. I hyperventilated. It really felt like my entire world had just fallen apart. It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. It felt like Thomas had died, only worse because he chose it! He didn't love me anymore and all the beliefs I had ever had about anything were thrown to the ground and shattered under his words. In the midst of the blackness, I tweeted that he had left me. I felt so alone!
I immediately got dozens of responses. I hope that every one of you from last night are reading now. You will never know what you did for me with those few keystrokes. You pulled me back from the brink when nothing else, not even the kids, would have been able to. I couldn't even look at the kids because every time I saw them, I saw Thomas. And I saw a future without him. Thank you for being there. You're all heroes.
On the phone, Thomas had told me that he would be coming home after work to get his clothes and things and that we would talk. My mom and Verna convinced me that he was just mad, and that when we talked we would work it out. I clung to that. I kept telling myself that. He called me at 11:40 and told me he would be coming soon. So I waited. He didn't bother to show up until 2:47. By that time I was in bed. I came into the living room, but he said we would just talk in the morning. He laid down on the couch and wouldn't look at me or talk to me or anything.
I just looked back at everything I've written so far. I'm drained from it. I've gotten past all those feelings and it hurt to make myself remember them for you. So for tonight, I've got to call it quits. I'll finish it tomorrow.
To be continued...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Not Nice!
Did your mom ever tell you this one? "If you can't think of anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Yeah, mine did, too. And I've told my kids the same thing. So until I have something nice to say, I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's gotten mighty negative over here at the Sleep Deprived house. Figuratively and literally. I don't like doing that to you. So I'll be back when the humor is back.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Suspicious Eyes
For the first time, I'm writing a post that I'm nervous to publish. I don't mind if you think I'm crazy, lazy, or a bad mom. I know better than all that. I don't mind if you don't get me. Not many people do, I think. But, oh, I do mind if you think I'm stupid. If you think I've been slapped in the face with evidence, but reasoned it away.
Thomas was off yesterday, as usual, and it was a really great day. Noah was at his Other Dad's house and Maritessa had spent the night with my parents. Thomas went to Kobe for a couple of hours to train a new chef during non-business hours. When he got home, we went to lunch and then did a little shopping for some work-out clothes for me. We picked up Tessa and when we got home, Noah and The Other were here waiting. After Treye left, we had dinner together, and Thomas and I drank a couple of beers while he played the PlayStation, and I played with Twitter. Like I said, it was really a great day.
At 8:00, I started getting the kids in bed. I tucked Noah in and set the timer on his TV, told Tess to get in bed (she didn't, of course) and went to our bedroom to get Tripp changed and ready for bed. When I had gotten his clothes and diaper off, Thomas' cell started ringing. I fished it out of his pants pocket and answered it for him. I mean, there was no way I could get it to him before it went to voice mail. The caller ID said it was Nic.
"Hello?"
A woman's voice sounding a little confused said, "Uh hello?"
"Hello. Hi."
Nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing...
Click. She had hung up. I sat there for a minute staring at the phone. My whole body started to buzz and I worked for a second to remember to breathe. I'm not one to jump to conclusions. Well, maybe I am, but I wouldn't just fly off the handle without some questions first. As the "call ended" message faded, I saw that Thomas had an unread text message. I clicked on it, and it was from Nic. It said, "Im home." (There was no apostrophe. I use them even on text messages, I wonder if she even knows what an apostrophe is. Okay, that was mean, but BACK OFF BITCH!) By this point, I had connected a couple of dots, and realized Nic was probably short for Nichole, a girl that Thomas works with. Or she works for him. Or whatever. Thomas has told me a little about her and I'm not comfortable with her in the first place. She's told him all the sad details of her life, and that he reminds her of her big brother who died a year or two ago. I met her earlier this month at Thomas' birthday party. I tried to make friends with her, but she was more interested in hanging out with the unattached guys there. They were all rubbing on her back and talking close. Really, it was pretty gross and made me uncomfortable.
I left Tripp naked on the bed and carried the phone into the living room. I asked him who is Nic, and for a minute he looked confused. Then he confirmed my suspicions that it was Nichole (maybe he wasn't sure how to spell it? Or was in a hurry?). I told him that she had sent the text, and called, but that she hung up after I answered. I don't exactly remember everything I said, but I asked him why the hell she's calling him. And more to the point, why did she hang up when she realized it was me who answered the phone? He explained to me that she had been out of town and that must be why she called. Of course, my next question was why would she think he cares? He told me she probably needed to know if she was scheduled to work Monday. He called her while I was standing there, but really, it all just sounded suspicious to me. I wish I could have heard what she was saying. I thought about pressing my ear to the other side of the phone, but I knew that might have been going overboard.
When he hung up with her, I told him that I understand he's her boss and it's not that she called. It's that she hung up when I, a woman, answered. That it made me feel like it upset her. I won't go in to all the details, but basically, I made a couple of threats, and let him know that I'm really not happy about this. Then I went to go finish taking care of Tripp.
After a few minutes, he followed me in there. He was laughing a little at me, and I did feel a little foolish, but I held my ground. I told him even if nothing is going on, it seems like she wants him. That he's her boss, not her friend. There's no reason for her to be telling him all the details of her life like she does. And more importantly, she hung up dammit! If she didn't have some sort of guilty feelings, why didn't she just ask for him? She knows he's married. It's not like it was a big surprise that I might answer his phone! We went on for a while til I kicked him out of the room so I could get Tripp to sleep. After I came back out, he was a little irritated with me for thinking he would cheat on me. And on it went. By the end, I felt a little guilty for thinking he would do that to me, but still, I told him I don't want him to be "friends" with her. I'm not okay with it, and as far as work goes, it's inappropriate.
I'm not trying to be irrational or bitchy. But on the other hand, I'm not stupid! Thomas is hot! I know it's not just me that thinks that. And I'm glad other women think he's attractive. I'm proud of it because he chose me. But you know, just because he married me four years ago doesn't mean he would never cheat. Don't get me wrong. I trust him. But I don't trust her. I've had to deal with other women flirting with him a few times over the years. And every time, I pitch a fit and he acts like I'm crazy. I asked him how would he feel if it was the other way around, but of course he couldn't see it from my point of view.
So for now, I'm letting it go. But I won't forget and I hope she realizes she doesn't want to mess with me. I sure would hate to have to embarrass Thomas.
Have you ever thought your husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend was cheating on you? Were you right? How did you handle situations when you were wrong? Am I just closing my eyes and ignoring solid evidence?
Thomas was off yesterday, as usual, and it was a really great day. Noah was at his Other Dad's house and Maritessa had spent the night with my parents. Thomas went to Kobe for a couple of hours to train a new chef during non-business hours. When he got home, we went to lunch and then did a little shopping for some work-out clothes for me. We picked up Tessa and when we got home, Noah and The Other were here waiting. After Treye left, we had dinner together, and Thomas and I drank a couple of beers while he played the PlayStation, and I played with Twitter. Like I said, it was really a great day.
At 8:00, I started getting the kids in bed. I tucked Noah in and set the timer on his TV, told Tess to get in bed (she didn't, of course) and went to our bedroom to get Tripp changed and ready for bed. When I had gotten his clothes and diaper off, Thomas' cell started ringing. I fished it out of his pants pocket and answered it for him. I mean, there was no way I could get it to him before it went to voice mail. The caller ID said it was Nic.
"Hello?"
A woman's voice sounding a little confused said, "Uh hello?"
"Hello. Hi."
Nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing...
Click. She had hung up. I sat there for a minute staring at the phone. My whole body started to buzz and I worked for a second to remember to breathe. I'm not one to jump to conclusions. Well, maybe I am, but I wouldn't just fly off the handle without some questions first. As the "call ended" message faded, I saw that Thomas had an unread text message. I clicked on it, and it was from Nic. It said, "Im home." (There was no apostrophe. I use them even on text messages, I wonder if she even knows what an apostrophe is. Okay, that was mean, but BACK OFF BITCH!) By this point, I had connected a couple of dots, and realized Nic was probably short for Nichole, a girl that Thomas works with. Or she works for him. Or whatever. Thomas has told me a little about her and I'm not comfortable with her in the first place. She's told him all the sad details of her life, and that he reminds her of her big brother who died a year or two ago. I met her earlier this month at Thomas' birthday party. I tried to make friends with her, but she was more interested in hanging out with the unattached guys there. They were all rubbing on her back and talking close. Really, it was pretty gross and made me uncomfortable.
I left Tripp naked on the bed and carried the phone into the living room. I asked him who is Nic, and for a minute he looked confused. Then he confirmed my suspicions that it was Nichole (maybe he wasn't sure how to spell it? Or was in a hurry?). I told him that she had sent the text, and called, but that she hung up after I answered. I don't exactly remember everything I said, but I asked him why the hell she's calling him. And more to the point, why did she hang up when she realized it was me who answered the phone? He explained to me that she had been out of town and that must be why she called. Of course, my next question was why would she think he cares? He told me she probably needed to know if she was scheduled to work Monday. He called her while I was standing there, but really, it all just sounded suspicious to me. I wish I could have heard what she was saying. I thought about pressing my ear to the other side of the phone, but I knew that might have been going overboard.
When he hung up with her, I told him that I understand he's her boss and it's not that she called. It's that she hung up when I, a woman, answered. That it made me feel like it upset her. I won't go in to all the details, but basically, I made a couple of threats, and let him know that I'm really not happy about this. Then I went to go finish taking care of Tripp.
After a few minutes, he followed me in there. He was laughing a little at me, and I did feel a little foolish, but I held my ground. I told him even if nothing is going on, it seems like she wants him. That he's her boss, not her friend. There's no reason for her to be telling him all the details of her life like she does. And more importantly, she hung up dammit! If she didn't have some sort of guilty feelings, why didn't she just ask for him? She knows he's married. It's not like it was a big surprise that I might answer his phone! We went on for a while til I kicked him out of the room so I could get Tripp to sleep. After I came back out, he was a little irritated with me for thinking he would cheat on me. And on it went. By the end, I felt a little guilty for thinking he would do that to me, but still, I told him I don't want him to be "friends" with her. I'm not okay with it, and as far as work goes, it's inappropriate.
I'm not trying to be irrational or bitchy. But on the other hand, I'm not stupid! Thomas is hot! I know it's not just me that thinks that. And I'm glad other women think he's attractive. I'm proud of it because he chose me. But you know, just because he married me four years ago doesn't mean he would never cheat. Don't get me wrong. I trust him. But I don't trust her. I've had to deal with other women flirting with him a few times over the years. And every time, I pitch a fit and he acts like I'm crazy. I asked him how would he feel if it was the other way around, but of course he couldn't see it from my point of view.
So for now, I'm letting it go. But I won't forget and I hope she realizes she doesn't want to mess with me. I sure would hate to have to embarrass Thomas.
Have you ever thought your husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend was cheating on you? Were you right? How did you handle situations when you were wrong? Am I just closing my eyes and ignoring solid evidence?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Mommy Angst
I just did the Santa Clause is watching you threat to Maritessa. Literally just now. She just does not leave me alone when I'm trying to work. As soon as I sit down at the computer, she needs something, or wants me to come look at something, or needs to tell me something. It's infuriating! I know she's only three years old, but I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I'm losing my patience with her. This paragraph is the most I've been able to write without being interrupted in over a month. Surely she isn't doing it on purpose. Right? Right?!
I remember when Noah was her age I had problems with his behaviour, too, so I'm hoping it's just a normal phase. Of course, I'm not saying Noah is perfect now, but he acts a whole lot better. And when he isn't, I can get him straightened out pretty quick. Usually it doesn't last more than a week.
So if Noah had problems when he was three, and Tessa is having problems at three, does that mean Tripp will have problems at three? Noah didn't stop until around the age of five. If my math is correct here, does that mean I'm looking at a good four more years of this shit? God, that makes me feel tired. And old. Mean comes to mind as well. I'm so tired of always having to say "no" and "stop it!" and "don't do that!" or my all time favorite, "You need to go sit in the naughty spot!"
Once in a while, I wonder what my life would have been like without kids. I'm sure I would have survived all the parties and drinking and drugs. Would I have a great career now? Even a mediocre career? Would I still be skinny with a great rack?
It's not that I don't love my kids or want them. I would be nothing without them. It's just... Well, life was so easy and fun back then. If I wanted to be around people, I called a few friends. But if I just wanted to be left alone, that was no problem too. I could go out on any given Friday night and never have to worry about babysitters or listening to the kids the next morning while my head explodes from a hangover. I think what I miss the most is the unplanned weekend road trips to the beach. And the quiet. I really miss the quiet.
But. I miss all that. Sometimes I miss it so bad I want to cry. But what if I didn't have them? I'm sure I wouldn't be married. I can see myself sitting in some apartment or house somewhere pretending that I'm not lonely. Back when it was just me and Noah, the weekends that he was at his other dad's house weren't always so good. I remember sitting on the living room floor by myself one lonely Saturday night. I didn't have anyone to hang out with because I worked too hard to have real friends. I sat there and got drunk and played Scrabble by myself. After cheating to clear all my tiles a couple of times, I realized how lonely I was. Of course, that set me off for a drunken sob-fest, so I drank some more tequila until I was able to pass out on the couch. Alone.
Now I have a home full of people. Sure, I may not even be able to pee alone, but I'm never lonely anymore. Some days all I hear is screaming and crying, but if I just try a little bit, I can change it to laughter. It's not even a matter of thinking up some activity for them to do. It's all in me. If I can change my own outlook and reaction, the mood of every one of the kids changes! I have to just let go of everything and stop being so mean and over-reacting. So they pulled the cushions off the couch again. So what! It's not hard to put them back later. Or they spilled something or made a mess. Really, if I think about it, most of the stuff I get upset about is just not a big deal! And you know, when I'm happy, they're happy. They get along better and even offer to help clean up.
It's so hard to remember that sometimes! And it has a domino effect because when I'm happy, and they're happy, then I'm happy to be a mom and I don't miss the lonely life.
I remember when Noah was her age I had problems with his behaviour, too, so I'm hoping it's just a normal phase. Of course, I'm not saying Noah is perfect now, but he acts a whole lot better. And when he isn't, I can get him straightened out pretty quick. Usually it doesn't last more than a week.
So if Noah had problems when he was three, and Tessa is having problems at three, does that mean Tripp will have problems at three? Noah didn't stop until around the age of five. If my math is correct here, does that mean I'm looking at a good four more years of this shit? God, that makes me feel tired. And old. Mean comes to mind as well. I'm so tired of always having to say "no" and "stop it!" and "don't do that!" or my all time favorite, "You need to go sit in the naughty spot!"
Once in a while, I wonder what my life would have been like without kids. I'm sure I would have survived all the parties and drinking and drugs. Would I have a great career now? Even a mediocre career? Would I still be skinny with a great rack?
It's not that I don't love my kids or want them. I would be nothing without them. It's just... Well, life was so easy and fun back then. If I wanted to be around people, I called a few friends. But if I just wanted to be left alone, that was no problem too. I could go out on any given Friday night and never have to worry about babysitters or listening to the kids the next morning while my head explodes from a hangover. I think what I miss the most is the unplanned weekend road trips to the beach. And the quiet. I really miss the quiet.
But. I miss all that. Sometimes I miss it so bad I want to cry. But what if I didn't have them? I'm sure I wouldn't be married. I can see myself sitting in some apartment or house somewhere pretending that I'm not lonely. Back when it was just me and Noah, the weekends that he was at his other dad's house weren't always so good. I remember sitting on the living room floor by myself one lonely Saturday night. I didn't have anyone to hang out with because I worked too hard to have real friends. I sat there and got drunk and played Scrabble by myself. After cheating to clear all my tiles a couple of times, I realized how lonely I was. Of course, that set me off for a drunken sob-fest, so I drank some more tequila until I was able to pass out on the couch. Alone.
Now I have a home full of people. Sure, I may not even be able to pee alone, but I'm never lonely anymore. Some days all I hear is screaming and crying, but if I just try a little bit, I can change it to laughter. It's not even a matter of thinking up some activity for them to do. It's all in me. If I can change my own outlook and reaction, the mood of every one of the kids changes! I have to just let go of everything and stop being so mean and over-reacting. So they pulled the cushions off the couch again. So what! It's not hard to put them back later. Or they spilled something or made a mess. Really, if I think about it, most of the stuff I get upset about is just not a big deal! And you know, when I'm happy, they're happy. They get along better and even offer to help clean up.
It's so hard to remember that sometimes! And it has a domino effect because when I'm happy, and they're happy, then I'm happy to be a mom and I don't miss the lonely life.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I Should Have Called the Police Myself
Last night I was trying to get Tripp to sleep, but he kept waking up because the neighbors' dogs were going crazy. I didn't think too much of it, except to be irritated that they kept waking him up. I finally gave up and got up with him. A little bit later, I kept hearing a loud knocking, banging type of sound. But we have new neighbors and I thought maybe they were hanging pictures or something. Then I heard a noise on the side of our trailer and looked outside to see what it was.
My other neighbors, Brandon and Leslie, were standing in my yard and he had her by the arm and by her purse. She was crying and saying she just wanted to leave, and he was telling her that he made the last two payments on her car so she couldn't go anywhere. That her car now belongs to him. I asked what was going on, even though I already knew. He's beat her up at least five times in the year or so that I've known them. She asked me if she could come in and call the police. Brandon let her go, and she started to come up on my porch, and he followed right behind her, all apologetic and saying that she hit him too. He grabbed her again and got up in her face. I got between them and told him if he didn't get off my porch I was calling the police right then. I had to keep on to make him leave, but he finally let her go and I got her inside.
Her neck was deep purple where he had choked her, her nose was cut on both sides and the middle because he bit her. On the nose! Her eye was swollen, and she had scratches and bruises on her face. Not to mention any bruises I couldn't see under her clothes and hair. He slammed her head on the car, so I'm sure there was a knot there but I didn't check. She was really in pretty bad shape.
I put her in the kitchen, locked my doors tight, and handed her the phone. I should've known then that she wouldn't call the police because she just kept holding it. I should've taken it from her and called them myself. She didn't want to involve the police because she was scared she would get in trouble too. I told her that even if she hit him back, it was self defense. Then she told me that she had pot in her bedroom and she knew that he would tell them. So I told her to tell them he put it there, and that when they come out on a domestic violence call, they're not too worried about a joint or two. She still wouldn't call, so I convinced her to go stay at her dad's house. She kept saying she had to get her dog and her stuff, but I was able to talk her into coming back with the police the next morning so they could escort her.
At one point, Brandon started knocking on my door asking me to send Leslie to the door so he could talk to her. I refused, so he wanted me to send her out on the porch. Seriously?! Of course I refused, and she sure wasn't trying to get out around me. When I wouldn't do what he wanted, he looked me up and down and muttered something as he walked away. He hates me because I see through him and I'm not scared of him. In the little time I've known him, he's beaten up one of the other neighbors two different times, his ex, and another neighbor, who was a female. I've told my landlord about it over and over. I should have called the police last night, and I feel really stupid and guilty that I didn't.
Let me explain something about their relationship. I understand some women can't leave their husband or boyfriend when they're being abused. I've been abused myself, but I got out. Immediately. But I can get it a little when some women are too beat down to know what to do anymore. The thing is, Brandon and Leslie are not a couple. He's gay! He had her convinced last year that he was in love with her, but just can't help being gay and blahdeblahblahblah. He's very manipulative so I guess maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know, and I can't even begin to understand them. I don't understand why she's still there, or why he thinks she's his property.
Anyway, I got Leslie to leave, and watched her as she went to her car to make sure she was okay. A few minutes later, I happened to look out and she was walking up the driveway! I asked her what the hell she was doing and she said he had let all the coolant out of the radiator and she needed to get her money so she could get more. She asked me to call the police if she wasn't out in five minutes, so I positioned myself at a window with the phone in hand and waited. A minute in, Brandon came out on his porch and screamed something at me. I couldn't understand what he said that time, but a few minutes later he came out again and I heard him clearly. Even across the yards and through the window. He screamed out, "You stupid bitch, that's why your husband fucked me!" I just laughed because I know Thomas better than that. If it was a woman saying it, I might entertain the thought for a minute. But of all the things Thomas is, gay or bi-sexual or even bi-curious is not one of them. Leslie had water for the car and was gone in five minutes exactly. Thinking back on it, I think she was just looking for an excuse to go back.
Thomas went over there when he got home from work to talk to Brandon about what he screamed across the yard, and about coming on our porch and getting in my face when I wouldn't let him get to Leslie. Brandon started screaming inside like a little girl and wouldn't come out. It's not like Thomas would've beat him down or anything. Actually, maybe he would. I forget sometimes that he's mixed martial arts fighter. But I don't think he would have. See, Brandon's scared of him too. He's only not afraid of the people who let him hit them. Turns out he's not just evil. He's an evil genius and I don't mean that in a nice way. He recorded Thomas knocking on the door with his phone. Apparently he had the phone right on the door because it sounds like Thomas is about to beat the door down. Coupled with Brandon's screaming, it gives the impression that Thomas is threatening and terrorizing him. Thomas was going to go file a complaint at the Sheriff's Office, but Leslie said if he does, then Brandon will too. She called her grandfather who's a judge or something, and he listened to it and said that the police would probably press charges against Thomas if Brandon files a complaint.
And here's the thing that is upsetting me so badly. I helped her last night. I protected her! And yet, even after he beat the shit out of her, she's protecting him! She said she's moving out and so is he and that it's not her problem. Did I close my door and walk away last night when he was hurting her? Did I say it's not my problem? NO! I did what any good person would do. When I told her that I was standing at my door when Thomas was knocking on their door, and I know for a fact that he wasn't pounding on it or threatening Brandon, she still defended Brandon and said she heard him knocking on the door all the way in her bedroom. Of course she did! She lives in a trailer! The walls are paper thin.
I'm just really upset about the whole situation. I thought the landlord would help, but he's acting like I'm just being dramatic because I'm worried about what Brandon might do to me if/when he snaps. I should have known, though, because the landlord is gay, too, and Brandon is like his little pet. If I would have just called the police myself last night, none of this would even be an issue now. I've learned my lesson. If I ever see anything like this again, I'll shut my door and call the police. It really sucks that the world turns this way.
My other neighbors, Brandon and Leslie, were standing in my yard and he had her by the arm and by her purse. She was crying and saying she just wanted to leave, and he was telling her that he made the last two payments on her car so she couldn't go anywhere. That her car now belongs to him. I asked what was going on, even though I already knew. He's beat her up at least five times in the year or so that I've known them. She asked me if she could come in and call the police. Brandon let her go, and she started to come up on my porch, and he followed right behind her, all apologetic and saying that she hit him too. He grabbed her again and got up in her face. I got between them and told him if he didn't get off my porch I was calling the police right then. I had to keep on to make him leave, but he finally let her go and I got her inside.
Her neck was deep purple where he had choked her, her nose was cut on both sides and the middle because he bit her. On the nose! Her eye was swollen, and she had scratches and bruises on her face. Not to mention any bruises I couldn't see under her clothes and hair. He slammed her head on the car, so I'm sure there was a knot there but I didn't check. She was really in pretty bad shape.
I put her in the kitchen, locked my doors tight, and handed her the phone. I should've known then that she wouldn't call the police because she just kept holding it. I should've taken it from her and called them myself. She didn't want to involve the police because she was scared she would get in trouble too. I told her that even if she hit him back, it was self defense. Then she told me that she had pot in her bedroom and she knew that he would tell them. So I told her to tell them he put it there, and that when they come out on a domestic violence call, they're not too worried about a joint or two. She still wouldn't call, so I convinced her to go stay at her dad's house. She kept saying she had to get her dog and her stuff, but I was able to talk her into coming back with the police the next morning so they could escort her.
At one point, Brandon started knocking on my door asking me to send Leslie to the door so he could talk to her. I refused, so he wanted me to send her out on the porch. Seriously?! Of course I refused, and she sure wasn't trying to get out around me. When I wouldn't do what he wanted, he looked me up and down and muttered something as he walked away. He hates me because I see through him and I'm not scared of him. In the little time I've known him, he's beaten up one of the other neighbors two different times, his ex, and another neighbor, who was a female. I've told my landlord about it over and over. I should have called the police last night, and I feel really stupid and guilty that I didn't.
Let me explain something about their relationship. I understand some women can't leave their husband or boyfriend when they're being abused. I've been abused myself, but I got out. Immediately. But I can get it a little when some women are too beat down to know what to do anymore. The thing is, Brandon and Leslie are not a couple. He's gay! He had her convinced last year that he was in love with her, but just can't help being gay and blahdeblahblahblah. He's very manipulative so I guess maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know, and I can't even begin to understand them. I don't understand why she's still there, or why he thinks she's his property.
Anyway, I got Leslie to leave, and watched her as she went to her car to make sure she was okay. A few minutes later, I happened to look out and she was walking up the driveway! I asked her what the hell she was doing and she said he had let all the coolant out of the radiator and she needed to get her money so she could get more. She asked me to call the police if she wasn't out in five minutes, so I positioned myself at a window with the phone in hand and waited. A minute in, Brandon came out on his porch and screamed something at me. I couldn't understand what he said that time, but a few minutes later he came out again and I heard him clearly. Even across the yards and through the window. He screamed out, "You stupid bitch, that's why your husband fucked me!" I just laughed because I know Thomas better than that. If it was a woman saying it, I might entertain the thought for a minute. But of all the things Thomas is, gay or bi-sexual or even bi-curious is not one of them. Leslie had water for the car and was gone in five minutes exactly. Thinking back on it, I think she was just looking for an excuse to go back.
Thomas went over there when he got home from work to talk to Brandon about what he screamed across the yard, and about coming on our porch and getting in my face when I wouldn't let him get to Leslie. Brandon started screaming inside like a little girl and wouldn't come out. It's not like Thomas would've beat him down or anything. Actually, maybe he would. I forget sometimes that he's mixed martial arts fighter. But I don't think he would have. See, Brandon's scared of him too. He's only not afraid of the people who let him hit them. Turns out he's not just evil. He's an evil genius and I don't mean that in a nice way. He recorded Thomas knocking on the door with his phone. Apparently he had the phone right on the door because it sounds like Thomas is about to beat the door down. Coupled with Brandon's screaming, it gives the impression that Thomas is threatening and terrorizing him. Thomas was going to go file a complaint at the Sheriff's Office, but Leslie said if he does, then Brandon will too. She called her grandfather who's a judge or something, and he listened to it and said that the police would probably press charges against Thomas if Brandon files a complaint.
And here's the thing that is upsetting me so badly. I helped her last night. I protected her! And yet, even after he beat the shit out of her, she's protecting him! She said she's moving out and so is he and that it's not her problem. Did I close my door and walk away last night when he was hurting her? Did I say it's not my problem? NO! I did what any good person would do. When I told her that I was standing at my door when Thomas was knocking on their door, and I know for a fact that he wasn't pounding on it or threatening Brandon, she still defended Brandon and said she heard him knocking on the door all the way in her bedroom. Of course she did! She lives in a trailer! The walls are paper thin.
I'm just really upset about the whole situation. I thought the landlord would help, but he's acting like I'm just being dramatic because I'm worried about what Brandon might do to me if/when he snaps. I should have known, though, because the landlord is gay, too, and Brandon is like his little pet. If I would have just called the police myself last night, none of this would even be an issue now. I've learned my lesson. If I ever see anything like this again, I'll shut my door and call the police. It really sucks that the world turns this way.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Independent Blogger Conference Greensboro
Hi. You may have noticed I haven't posted in a little while. I have a good excuse, really I do. I was abducted by aliens. Or I went to the doctor because Thomas told them all that I'm crazy and they put me in a mental institution. (Actually, that one's almost plausible) Okay, fine! I was just being lazy. The house was a mess and I couldn't get it under control. And I went to the Independent Blogger Conference Greensboro on Saturday. That means I drove for nearly five hours on Friday night, and drove home Saturday evening. My point is I've been a little tired and that's why I haven't written. But I'm back and I'm not planning to take any arduous trips anytime soon so you're stuck with me for a while.
Let me tell you the most important thing I learned at the conference. Always keep your purse zipped. The whole trip was "adventurous" to say the least, and the entire time I was there, I was composing this post in my head. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?
I planned to leave the house at around two-ish. I wanted to see Thomas on his lunch br
eak before I left, and I still had some cleaning to do. The kids were not so thrilled that I was going. They pulled out all the stops trying to keep me home, like crying and fighting and making huge messes. I think they thought that if I couldn't clean up, I wouldn't leave. I was really surprised by their reactions, because they love spending the night at my parents' house. I just revised my plans and decided to leave at three instead. When Thomas got home, I was trying to finish up the dishes. I only had a few things left, but he insisted that I go ahead and get ready and leave. He told me he would finish them for me. (He didn't, and I had to come home to a dirty kitchen. It was very disappointing to say the least.) With his help, I managed to leave at about 3:30. I had to drop the kids off at my mom's, get gas, go to the bank, and run in the mall to buy a shirt to wear at the conference. It was after 5:00 before I really got on the road, and it was pouring down rain. In fact, it didn't stop raining until ten minutes before I got to Greensboro.The worst thing about the drive was the radio. The primary options seemed to be soft light
favorites, country, and once in a while top 40 or hip-hop. I like anything, but I prefer rock. And I needed rock to keep me awake! This led me to wonder if I was in Redneck country. I did listen to a latino station for a while. It reminded me of listening to Thomas' Filipino music with him.When I finally got there, the check-in clerk was painfully slow. I had reserved a smoking room, but the one she saved for me was non-smoking. I was trying to be a good person, and not smoke in a non-smoking room, so I asked her to change it. Her cell phone kept ri
nging, and she kept answering it, and the front desk phone kept ringing. I was patient and understanding. After about ten minutes, she was finished and had booked me in room 141. I got back in the van, and drove to a gas station for a drink because she said she was pretty sure there was no vending machine. Then I drove back to the hotel and unloaded my stuff. For some reason, my bag weighed about forty pounds. Or more. I trudged along the hall to find my room, passing a vending machine in the process, and finally found room 141. I was about to put my key in, when I realized the TV was on in that room. I put my ear to the other doors around, hoping it was one of them, but no. It was definitely my room.I pulled out my trusty cell phone and called the front desk. She kept insisting that housekeeping had just forgotten to turn it off and that no one was in the room. After a few minutes,
I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I told her to stay on the phone with me because if someone was in there, I didn't want them to freak out on me or anything. The key wouldn't work and she kept trying to tell me I was doing it wrong. By that point I had lost my patience with her and told her I know how to use the key. There's someone in the room and the key would not work! She called the room to prove me wrong, and sure enough. There was someone in the room! Apparently she had forgotten that she had just given it to someone right before me. So I had to lug my bags back down to the office so she could put me in another room.When I got to the new room, I realized she had put me in a non-smoking room. Again. By then, I just thought, "Fuck it" and went in. I turned on the TV to find this...
... which cements my belief that I was in Redneck country.
The next morning I got lost trying to get to the conference. I had the address, so it never occurred to me that I would need to know which building it was in. I wound u
p being over an hour late, but no one acted weird about it, so that made me feel better. I learned a lot and I'm happy to share with you. Just email me if you care to know. There weren't very many people there though, so that was kind of a let down. I didn't even give out one of the super cute business cards I had made. No one really seemed to want to talk to me at lunch, so I had to butt in on the conversation a few times, just to prove to myself that I wasn't in high-school anymore. However, in the SEO class Kelby and the group were super helpful and friendly, so that made up for it. I 
left when the second half started because they were talking about podcasting and streaming. Things that were way over my head and not in my plans for writing. I met a really nice guy, Ross Myers, and he offered lots of suggestions and tips. In fact, he gave me an idea for something, and hopefully it will be in the works soon.The drive home was pretty nice. It was sunny, so that helped a lot. I had hoped to get off the interstate before it got dark but I
didn't quite make it. Right when I did get off, though, my mom called me and said there wasn't enough formula for Tripp to make another bottle, so I would have to stop at the grocery store. It was about 8:00 by then, and I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch and was about to die from hunger. I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and pick up a Totino's Pizza while I was there. Being the multi-tasker that I am, I called Thomas on the way into the store to tell him I was back in town. Just as I passed the registers in the store, my foot slipped or something and I went 
flying. I didn't actually fall, though, because I kept pinwheeling my arms. I would have recovered a lot faster if my foot would have stayed straight in my shoe, so I had to sacrifice it, along with my phone and my purse. I was in an aisle when I finally came to a stop. I heard running footsteps and gasps, so I turned around to collect my belongings and tell them I was okay. That was when I realized I hadn't zipped my purse back up and everything that was in it was now scattered in a ten foot wide circle of debris. Money, receipts, change, a handful of business cards, makeup, and one shattered bottle of my favorite perfume.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Adventures in Rudeness
Did you know that when you vomit you should be in the proper position? If you aren't, you can throw your back out pretty good. Listen to me now, because I'm telling you from experience and slightly blurred vision due to the happy little pill my mom gave me. Yeah, yesterday's upchuck at the gym left me not only emptied out and drained, but in traction. I'm trying to write fast because I took the pill a few minutes ago and it's only starting to take effect (Or is it affect? I can never get those two right, and since spell check isn't even smart enough to know what a blowjob is, I don't expect it to correct my grammar, too.) (Even though Microsoft Word would know.)
If it isn't hard enough to type while my fingers slowly float away into space, I'm dealing with this...
If it isn't hard enough to type while my fingers slowly float away into space, I'm dealing with this...
He's really having fun with it, and I'm trying to make sure I catch all the letters he's typing in, but if you see and odd letter or number somewhere, that's actually not the drugs.
I took Noah and Maritessa to my mom's house earlier today, and they're going to spend the night. It's been a while since it was just me and Tripp at home and I'm really enjoying spending time with him. My mom sent home a bunch of new toys for him, so between sessions at the keyboard, he's having all kinds of fun. He got a new saucer, a dump truck, a shape sorter, and a push toy. He was being very quiet and playing all by himself until I typed that, by the way.
I've had a craving for a sub sandwich, so on the way home from my mom's, Tripp and I stopped at Firehouse Subs for some lunch to go. I was in my sweat pants and a tee, and had barely brushed my hair this morning. So, naturally, they were packed full of customers and I had to stand there with a baby on my hip and my gut poking out while I waited for my order. While I was there, I was reminded how much I love being Southern. I love our manners and our willingness to make conversation with strangers. That being said, sometimes I hate the town we live in. It's known as "horse country" but in reality, it's "retirement country." I'm not joking. Besides the entire state of Florida, it's one of the first choices for retirees. Especially young retirees that have done well for themselves.
One of the reasons I love Firehouse so much is the subs are more New York style, I think. So a lot of said transplantees like to eat there. Now, don't get me wrong here. I know there are good and bad people everywhere, but it seems like every rude, homesick Yankee was there. Again, I'm not saying all people from the north are rude. Only that all of the rude ones were at Firehouse.
I was pushed aside in line, so that a man could order for his family of five before me. When I said "excuse me?!" and told him I was in line, he said he was there first and started ordering. I thought to myself, "Well, it's not that big of a deal, Wendy. Let it go and you'll be gone in a minute." Except he didn't know how to order. He started with a tuna salad. When the cashier asked him if he wanted the sub or the salad, he was rude to her and actually told her to turn around and look at the sign. She handled herself well though, and clearly suppressed the urge to jam a jalapeno into his eye. Then she asked him if he wanted any chips, and he very rudely told her no. After he ordered his other four subs, he pushed everyone in line out of the way so he could pick out five different bags of chips and place them on the counter. I found myself reaching up to pop the back of his head, but disguised it by petting Tripp's head instead. He finally got out of the way and it was my turn at last. After I ordered, I filled my cup. And was bumped into by another transplantee. Which caused the drink to spill all over Tripp. And it was ice cold, so he cried. Instead of the man offering any apologies, he looked at me as if to say I should shut him up and fast. Then went back to talking with his friends in his loud and annoying voice. When we were leaving, I was juggling the baby, my purse, the bag, and the drink. I followed someone to the door, and did he hold it open? No. He let it shut right in my face. In all honesty, I never heard him speak, so he could have been local.
I just remembered how I looked, and now, I have to wonder if maybe it was because I didn't look my best. Are people really that shallow?
Once again, I want to say I have no problem with Yankees. Only with rude people. And maybe the drugs are talking a little here. So don't think I'm making generalizations or stereotyping. It's a difference in cultures and I respect that. Maybe they just aren't happy here and that makes them rude?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Not What You Expected
I know you're expecting to read about me quitting smoking today. Well I'll save you from going through it this time, because I'm not quitting today. I will do it, but I don't want to set myself up for failure by doing it at the wrong time. I woke up this morning and had started my period. Noah is home from school this week, too. And I threw up mid-workout. So yeah. I don't think today is the day to do it. Also, I'm driving to North Carolina this weekend for the Alt Blogger Conference and I don't know if I can drive all that way without smoking. So. That leaves next Monday. Don't be mad at me, okay? I just want to do it when I know I have a better chance at success. Today is just not the day.
I also wanted to talk to you about the Alt Blogger Conference. It's in Greensboro, NC and it's being co-hosted by web goddess Kelby Carr, she's also known as TypeAMom on Twitter. She told me about it the other day and I get to go! I'm so excited to meet everyone. Do you live in VA, NC, SC, or GA? If you do, please try to come. It's free and it looks like it's going to be really fun and informational. I hope I'll know someone there. I'm a little nervous as far as that goes. It's supposed to be pretty casual, too. I mentioned to Kelby that I had to get a suit, and thankfully she put me in my place real fast. She said she's wearing jeans and she's a speaker. I'm so glad I don't have to go find out what my suit size is now.
Kelby's really great! If you didn't notice, you were redirected on the way here. That's because she told me how to buy my own domain through Google. Everyone else I asked made it seem so hard, but she told me just go buy it and that would be it. So I'm a dotcom now! Yay!
I noticed the other day that I haven't been posting any photos of the family. Sorry about that. So here are a few to get you re-acquainted.
Noah after he got a sticker from school. It says "I can read 10 wall words now. :)" He's doing way better than last year!
I also wanted to talk to you about the Alt Blogger Conference. It's in Greensboro, NC and it's being co-hosted by web goddess Kelby Carr, she's also known as TypeAMom on Twitter. She told me about it the other day and I get to go! I'm so excited to meet everyone. Do you live in VA, NC, SC, or GA? If you do, please try to come. It's free and it looks like it's going to be really fun and informational. I hope I'll know someone there. I'm a little nervous as far as that goes. It's supposed to be pretty casual, too. I mentioned to Kelby that I had to get a suit, and thankfully she put me in my place real fast. She said she's wearing jeans and she's a speaker. I'm so glad I don't have to go find out what my suit size is now.
Kelby's really great! If you didn't notice, you were redirected on the way here. That's because she told me how to buy my own domain through Google. Everyone else I asked made it seem so hard, but she told me just go buy it and that would be it. So I'm a dotcom now! Yay!
I noticed the other day that I haven't been posting any photos of the family. Sorry about that. So here are a few to get you re-acquainted.
I got out of the shower to find this love letter from Thomas the other day. Isn't he so sweet!
Tessa playing peekaboo and getting in my way when I was trying to watch Grey's Anatomy.
Tripp having Pistachio Almond ice cream at the ice cream parlor. I sort of forgot that he's lactose intolerant. Oops.
Noah after he got a sticker from school. It says "I can read 10 wall words now. :)" He's doing way better than last year!Saturday, October 11, 2008
Hi. My Name is Wendy and I'm an Addict
I did okay without cigarettes last night. This morning I woke up, and naturally I wanted one, but I knew I had to stay strong. Thomas told me to go back to bed, and he let me sleep until 11:30. And I was still okay. But then we left so we could go have lunch, and I lost my strength. I just don't feel like Thomas is supporting me in this! Let me tell you what happened last night.
You know I was twitting and blogging to get through it. I didn't say so last night, but I was really excited for Thomas to get home so I could tell him. I should have known better. Thomas is a great man, and I love him more than anything. He's my whole world, and even when I complain about him, or when I'm mad at him, I rely on him. He's my strength in a lot of things. Maybe that's wrong, because really, I should be my own strength. I used to be that way, but when I gave my heart to him, I became of part of a whole. And while my part is complete, in order for it to shine it's brightest, it should be with the other half. Does any of that even make sense? Gah! It doesn't matter really. Hopefully, you know me well enough by now to understand what I mean.
Anyway, he came home, and I told him and he said, "Really. For how long?" I told him that I hadn't had one since 4:00, and he told me that he meant how long will it last. I was disappointed that he didn't have faith in me, but I still held strong. Then a few minutes later, I said I wanted to go to bed. It was after 1am, after all, and I had been sleeping on the couch when he came in. He was all like, "Aren't you going to spend any time with me?" I was trying not to snap at him, but come on! I was struggling through my first 24 hours without nicotine, you'd think he would understand. Then he said he would just go to bed with me.
We don't make the bed in the mornings, so at night, we fix the blankets before we get in. He got into the room first, and pulled the blankets off like he was going to straighten them out. The bedroom door was still open and the hall light was on. This is how we usually light the room before we get in the bed. The last one ready turns off the light and shuts the door. I was so sleepy, so I laid on the bed and thought he would fix the blankets over me. Excuse me for wanting to be babied a little bit while I'm going through such a rough time. Thomas just laid down next to me. I realize I'm always the one to do it, but it pissed me off a little, and I got back up to do it all myself. He tried to pull me back down, but I pulled away from him. Naturally, he got pissed off at me. Now, let me explain so you'll know. I was not being a bitch. I just wanted to fix it so I could go to sleep.
He said something to me, I don't even remember what it was. Something along the lines of me being a bitch blah blah blah. Normally at that point I would storm off to the living room and have a cigarette. Except I couldn't! So I just sat in the dark living room and cried. After about ten minutes, he came in and said he's sorry and whatever. I can't remember the details. I barely remember anything from yesterday. It's like I was on drugs or something. I remember getting back into bed, and crying a lot more. When I got up this morning my eyes were nearly swollen shut, so I know I cried for a long time.
I appreciate that he let me sleep so late. I really needed the rest, withdrawing from nicotine or not. And I slept my ass off. I didn't hear anything that was going on in the house or around me. He woke me up and one point and asked me if I was going to go work out, then got on to me when I said no. I just covered my head with the blanket and went back to sleep. When I finally got up, he had an attitude with me. I keep thinking over everything, hoping it was just me thinking he had an attitude. But I swear it was him. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't touch me, wouldn't even look at me. I needed him to tell me he was proud of me and that I could do it. Oh yeah, just so you know, he did not know I was mad at him earlier about the whole house vs. restaurant thing. And when I talked to him throughout the day, I made sure I was nice and sweet so he would know I was okay with it all. Of course, we still need to talk about it, but we're okay as far as all that goes.
When we were in the van on the way to lunch, it was the same thing. He had an attitude, and he wanted to be babied because he's so tired and works so much. No, he didn't say it, but I know that man better than anyone else in the world, and I know how to read him. Finally, after two hours of the silent treatment, I told him to stop at the gas station so I could buy a pack. He did it without saying a word to me. When I got back in the car, I told him if I have to smoke in order for us to get along, I choose smoking. The crazy thing is after I got cigarettes, he was nice to me again! And this is where I'm confused. Thomas is the one who wants me to quit. He's most of the reason why I was quitting (I know I should do it for myself, but "myself" doesn't really care whether or not I kill myself). I'm sure you think it was all me, that I just wanted a cigarette and I was looking for any excuse. I've said all that to myself already. But the thing is, I didn't even want one that badly.
After we were eating, I gave the dreaded "let's talk." I said, "I'm quitting smoking again on Monday. Here's what I expect from you. You have to be nice to me no matter what. Even if I'm being a bitch, until I can get past the first few days, you are not allowed to be a dick. You have to hug me, and tell me you're proud of me, and tell me you support me. I can do it, but I have to have your help. Are you able to do that for me?" Naturally, he told me he could, and he agreed that he was being a jerk. He told me he doesn't know why, but when I try to do "something" (his word, not mine) he gets all weird. Maybe it's that being part of a whole thing I was talking about earlier. Who knows?
Thomas is off on Sunday's, and I'm not even going to try to go through those first few hours without when he's around. So, I'm quitting again on Monday. He told me to make this pack last until then, but I don't really see that happening. He told me he's not going to get me a pack even if I ask. So I told him I'm not going to give him a blowjob, even if he asks. I wonder who will win?
On a side note, I just did spellcheck. Out of all the words I wrote just now, the only ones it says are wrong are "gah" and "blowjob." You stupid thing! Haven't you ever heard of a blowjob?
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Friday, October 10, 2008
A Journey of Epic Proportions
I quit smoking today. I'm keeping a running post about how I'm doing and what I'm feeling. I'm thinking as time passes, I'll need to add to it less frequently. Wish me luck!
5:08 pm
I smoked my last cigarette at about 4:00. It was very liberating to throw away the empty pack, along with the ashtray and lighter. Before I put them in the garbage, I took a huge whiff of the ashtray. It stunk (stank? stinked?). I'm glad I won't be smelling like that anymore.
So far I'm okay. Yes, I know it's only been an hour, but I normally would have smoked two by now. I feel a little weird in my head, like I'm a tiny bit drunk, or like I have tunnel vision. I've also been a little itchy. But there may be a mosquito in here somewhere.
It's weird how the thought keeps catching me by surprise. I just had to get Tessa some milk, and on the way back to the computer, the thought crossed my mind that I would have a cigarette now. Okay, then, til next time...
7:59
I'm feeling very bitchy. Seriously. I was okay til I fell asleep with Tripp earlier. I only slept for a few minutes, but I always have a cigarette after I get him to sleep. When I came out, I happened to glance at the catch all bowl on the kitchen table and there was a cigar from Thomas' birthday party thrown in there. You guessed it. I lit it and smoked a little, but it didn't have the same satisfaction as a cigarette, so I put it out. That was about 6:00 I think. I just puffed it a couple more times. I should probably put it in water, then the garbage.
I can do this. I know I can! I need to wrap my mind around it. Convince myself that I'm not a smoker trying to quit. I'm just a non-smoker. When I want a cigarette (or the stupid nasty cigar, yuck!) I need to just tell myself to wait five minutes. I know this is going to get easier.
9:12
I'm doing this. I'm a non-smoker. I'm a non-smoker. Putting it a bubble and blowing it away...
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5:08 pm
I smoked my last cigarette at about 4:00. It was very liberating to throw away the empty pack, along with the ashtray and lighter. Before I put them in the garbage, I took a huge whiff of the ashtray. It stunk (stank? stinked?). I'm glad I won't be smelling like that anymore.
So far I'm okay. Yes, I know it's only been an hour, but I normally would have smoked two by now. I feel a little weird in my head, like I'm a tiny bit drunk, or like I have tunnel vision. I've also been a little itchy. But there may be a mosquito in here somewhere.
It's weird how the thought keeps catching me by surprise. I just had to get Tessa some milk, and on the way back to the computer, the thought crossed my mind that I would have a cigarette now. Okay, then, til next time...
7:59
I'm feeling very bitchy. Seriously. I was okay til I fell asleep with Tripp earlier. I only slept for a few minutes, but I always have a cigarette after I get him to sleep. When I came out, I happened to glance at the catch all bowl on the kitchen table and there was a cigar from Thomas' birthday party thrown in there. You guessed it. I lit it and smoked a little, but it didn't have the same satisfaction as a cigarette, so I put it out. That was about 6:00 I think. I just puffed it a couple more times. I should probably put it in water, then the garbage.
I can do this. I know I can! I need to wrap my mind around it. Convince myself that I'm not a smoker trying to quit. I'm just a non-smoker. When I want a cigarette (or the stupid nasty cigar, yuck!) I need to just tell myself to wait five minutes. I know this is going to get easier.
9:12
I'm doing this. I'm a non-smoker. I'm a non-smoker. Putting it a bubble and blowing it away...
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Managing to Anger Me
So it's Friday and that means it's time for another Spin Cycle post, all hosted by the wonderful Jen at Sprite's Keeper. This weeks topic is Anger Management and Jen told me that she enjoys my rants and would "luh-huv" for me to go off about something. So all week I waited for something to piss me off enough to write about it. Naturally, I had a good week. Wednesday was pretty rough, but everything was getting to me, even the computer, so I missed it. I thought I would have to get myself worked up about something. And you know, that's just not as much fun. And it kind of reminds me of masturbation, which isn't that much fun either. To me, anger is much more fun when it's real and justified. Not that I'm saying anger is fun or anything. Hell, I'm so irritated right now I can barely string two words together, so bear with me, okay? I'm sure you're wondering what got me in such a lather. Well, he comes through for me on everything else, so why was I so surprised when Thomas came through on pissing me off?
Last night Thomas came home from work and we were sitting on the couch, just chatting a little when he started to say something and stopped himself. I had just asked him if I should do another review, so I thought maybe he was going to say something about it. I prodded him and begged and pleaded. He told me it was nothing, then he said it was personal. Then he asked me to fix him some Ramen Noodles, and I used it as leverage and refused to do his bidding until he told me what it was. Finally, after about ten minutes he told me that we may not be able to go to the Philippines next year after all. That's not really that big of a deal to me. I mean, I want to go, but it's just not as important to me as it is to him. It is where his family is, after all. But then I started wondering why we might not be able to go. He told me the he, Jun, and Billy (another guy from Kobe) are all going to come up with $10,000 and open another restaurant. It would be a small place just like Kobe, but for to-go orders only. The owner of Kobe would put up the rest of the money. So I told him that sounds good and wasn't he proud of himself that they asked him?
We talked about it for a couple of minutes, then I got up to fix his food. I opened one of the cabinets and braced myself for any falling objects. You see, we have no space here so everything is shoved in and at least half the time something falls out when I open a door. That's when I realized why he was nervous about telling me.
If he puts in $10,000 we won't be buying a house next year. In fact, it's the exact amount we decided we would save up for a down payment. When he told me about it, he said they had been talking about it for a month! I stewed over it a little bit, but felt guilty for it. But when I woke up this morning, oh my god. I am so fucking pissed off about it on many different levels!
First of all, I want a fucking house. It's not too much to ask! We're 30 and 31 years old. The market sucks right now for home-owners, and I've read that home values will be down for about another year or year and a half. Helloo?! That means it's the perfect time to buy! If we wait another two or three years who knows how high the market will be. By this time next year the banks should be a little more confident in giving loans, too. Even eager to give good loans. If the economy, or our credit, or whatever else is the reason we can't buy that's one thing. But to know that we had the money saved up and he spent it somewhere else? That would just kill me!
Second, how could he talk to them about this for the last month and never think that just maybe he should discuss it with me? I understand that he is the one who works and maybe he feels like it's his decision because of that, but I don't fucking think so asshole! We're supposed to be a partnership. WE are supposed to come before THEM. Buying a restaurant is a huge decision. When I realized that we wouldn't be buying a house next year, I said, "Oh. So I guess we're not buying a house." That's all I said. I didn't say it mean or bitchy or accusatory. I was very careful with my intonation because I didn't want him to get defensive. And he said, "See? That's why I didn't want to tell you about it." What? What?! Did he think he would never have to tell me? That I would be packing to move and he would just put me off and still not tell me? Of course I have a problem with it!
I've told you about the little bitty trailer that we live in. We've always rented, but they were houses. There was room and a yard. I don't have most of my stuff here because there's just no room. Tripp has to sleep on the fucking floor, because there's room for his mattress, but not his crib. And the few things of mine that are here have been ruined because of the lack of space. The kids go crazy here. They can't play outside so they're always in here. Their bedrooms are so small that there's no room to run or play. So they play in the living room. And they drive me crazy! It's so small here that even one thing being out of place makes the whole trailer look messy. I hate it here and he knows it. I just want to buy a house! For the last several years I haven't allowed myself to watch HGTV because it was so depressing. But since he got his promotion and raise, I've been pouring over real estate booklets and loving HGTV for all the ideas. How can he do this to us?
The worst thing is I feel so conflicted about it. I'm sure it's kind of a once in a lifetime offer. I don't want to make him not do because of me. Maybe it could be hugely successful and make so much money that we could buy a mansion. Or maybe not! Maybe it'll be $10,000 out the window. I've owned a restaurant and it's a huge gamble. Just because Kobe is doing well doesn't mean another one would. I'm scared to death right now, and I can't even talk to him about it. I know if I even say anything, he'll automatically go on the defensive. I need to wait a few days so I'm calm. Also, I'm quitting smoking today and I don't need the conflict right now. So I'll bide my time. And then all hell will break loose. I promise!
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Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Did Damien Start This Meme?
Oh no! It's starting again! It's like one of those awful horror movies where you rented the DVD and watched only to find out there's a sequel. It's like Memes Attack, Part 147. I got tagged again! NOOooo! Actually, I really don't mind doing the easy ones. The kind I dread are the ones the have 27 parts, and you have to say 72 things about each section. Thankfully, I haven't gotten one of those yet. If you get one, don't tag me for it, mmmkay? Okay. Thanks!
This one came from Sam at The Edge of Insanity, and while I'm sure mine isn't going to be nearly as fun or interesting as hers, I'm game for it. The rules are simple.
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up
1. I had my first weigh-in at Curves. I didn't lose any weight this month. But I did lose about 4 inches. All out of my arms and boobs, naturally, and none out of my stomach, thighs, or ass. A different woman measured me and she kept going on and on about how she measures higher than Sherry and that her way is the right way. But answer me this... Do you think I care which way is "right?" No. I care how many inches I really lost. So maybe in reality I lost 6 inches, but who would know because she didn't do it the same. When she was measuring my thigh, she said she always makes sure to get that part in at the top of the inner thigh. You know the part that never goes away? And she told me that was the reason why. I was too close to tears to say anything to her, but come on bitch! If you know it's not going to go as fast as the rest of my thigh, why the hell would you make sure to measure that part?
2. I never sleepwalked (sleptwalked?) as a child, but the last couple of months, I've awoken to find myself sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. That is scary! I need to research it and find out why I might be doing it because I'm terrified I'm going to burn the house down. One more reason to quit smoking. I think I'm nearly ready to do it.
3. Stella had three kittens last night. That wouldn't be remarkable except for one little detail. The first one died. I was watching her lick the kitten, and I knew she was trying to get him to breathe. I started to pick him up and blow on his face and rub him to see if I could help. But I didn't. It wasn't because I thought it was too gross (I don't) or anything. It was because I thought to myself, "Well... That's one less kitten to have to get rid of." I'm a kitten murderer. I feel pretty terrible about it, too.
4. I never put gas in the van until I absolutely have to. I watch the odometer and I know I can go at least thirty miles after the light comes on. In case you didn't know, there's a gas shortage in the Southeast. I thought I was going to run out yesterday when I had Tessa and Tripp in the car with me. I passed three stations that were out of gas before I found some. WHEW!
5. Thomas' birthday party was Sunday night. Our friend's, Verna and Jun, brought their Karaoke machine and I sang! A lot! And they actually seemed to think it was okay. No one ran screaming from the room with blood shooting out of their ears at least. It was a lot of fun, and I'll probably do it again.
6. I'm still a comment whore, and I still say I'm going to be famous one day.
And now for the lucky ducks I'm passing it on to! Aren't you excited?
1. Lisa at Boondock Ramblings
2. Heather at Cool Zebras
3. Jenboglass at Steenky Bee
4. Brenda at Seriously Mama
5. Sam at temporarily me
6. Her Highness at Queen of the Click
Hmmmm... 6 rules, 6 random things, 6 people to pass it to. Verrry, verrry interesting (said in my spot on Dr. Ruth voice).
If you think I'm as funny as I think I am, then click on the pretty little widget below and give me a big goofy!
This one came from Sam at The Edge of Insanity, and while I'm sure mine isn't going to be nearly as fun or interesting as hers, I'm game for it. The rules are simple.
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up
1. I had my first weigh-in at Curves. I didn't lose any weight this month. But I did lose about 4 inches. All out of my arms and boobs, naturally, and none out of my stomach, thighs, or ass. A different woman measured me and she kept going on and on about how she measures higher than Sherry and that her way is the right way. But answer me this... Do you think I care which way is "right?" No. I care how many inches I really lost. So maybe in reality I lost 6 inches, but who would know because she didn't do it the same. When she was measuring my thigh, she said she always makes sure to get that part in at the top of the inner thigh. You know the part that never goes away? And she told me that was the reason why. I was too close to tears to say anything to her, but come on bitch! If you know it's not going to go as fast as the rest of my thigh, why the hell would you make sure to measure that part?
2. I never sleepwalked (sleptwalked?) as a child, but the last couple of months, I've awoken to find myself sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. That is scary! I need to research it and find out why I might be doing it because I'm terrified I'm going to burn the house down. One more reason to quit smoking. I think I'm nearly ready to do it.
3. Stella had three kittens last night. That wouldn't be remarkable except for one little detail. The first one died. I was watching her lick the kitten, and I knew she was trying to get him to breathe. I started to pick him up and blow on his face and rub him to see if I could help. But I didn't. It wasn't because I thought it was too gross (I don't) or anything. It was because I thought to myself, "Well... That's one less kitten to have to get rid of." I'm a kitten murderer. I feel pretty terrible about it, too.
4. I never put gas in the van until I absolutely have to. I watch the odometer and I know I can go at least thirty miles after the light comes on. In case you didn't know, there's a gas shortage in the Southeast. I thought I was going to run out yesterday when I had Tessa and Tripp in the car with me. I passed three stations that were out of gas before I found some. WHEW!
5. Thomas' birthday party was Sunday night. Our friend's, Verna and Jun, brought their Karaoke machine and I sang! A lot! And they actually seemed to think it was okay. No one ran screaming from the room with blood shooting out of their ears at least. It was a lot of fun, and I'll probably do it again.
6. I'm still a comment whore, and I still say I'm going to be famous one day.
And now for the lucky ducks I'm passing it on to! Aren't you excited?
1. Lisa at Boondock Ramblings
2. Heather at Cool Zebras
3. Jenboglass at Steenky Bee
4. Brenda at Seriously Mama
5. Sam at temporarily me
6. Her Highness at Queen of the Click
Hmmmm... 6 rules, 6 random things, 6 people to pass it to. Verrry, verrry interesting (said in my spot on Dr. Ruth voice).
If you think I'm as funny as I think I am, then click on the pretty little widget below and give me a big goofy!
Monday, October 6, 2008
All the Pretty Things I Want
I opened my email the other day, and imagine my surprise when I saw that I had a request for a review! I felt so special and... Well, sort of like a supa-star. It was a little taste of what I've been wanting. Not requests for reviews, necessarily, but people wanting something from my blog. I haven't sold out, though. I still want to talk to you about my family and all the crazy things they do.
The company is Lombok. They have Eastern inspired furniture and accessories that are really gorgeous. Not only do they have the kinds of styles I love, but they use reclaimed Teak for a lot of it. The lines are clean and simple, yet imaginative. They seem to be full of contraries like that. The look appears to be contemporary traditional, which is how I'm planning to furnish our house. When we get one, that is.
The dark wood of the bookcases is perfect to offset a pale wall, and they pull the eye up, to give the appearance of more height in your room. Plus, they're hand-made! Quality woodworking just can't be found off an assembly line. I can see the Bromo bookcase filled with all of my colorful books, and I want the Canton so I can fill it with some really awesome accessories.
Speaking of accessories, check out all the candles they have. I have a passion for candles, and when I can find a great candle holder, I'm in heaven! My favorites are all three of the Lotus ones. I love the drama of the Lotus in Dusk the most I think. Candles add more to a room than anything else you could put in. Except for interesting people, of course.
Then of course there are the things that keep you warm and cozy! Big, soft comfortable throws! I mean "Helloooo?" You can wrap you entire body in cashmere or silk! Can you say luxurious? I want the blue Swirl silk quilt to go with the perfect shade of green on my walls. Of course, I mean in my imaginary house. And for the living room I want the Chunky Slub throw. I don't have a clue what "slub" means, but it sure is pretty.
I really do like Lombok, but of course, there are a few cons. Namely the fact that their stores are only in the UK. Yeah, that part kind of sucks. They don't offer shipping overseas, but they will help you arrange to have a separate shipping company bring it across the pond. The prices are a little high, but not when you consider what you're getting.
I could furnish our entire house with all the pretty things from Lombok and never, ever leave! Especially if I had these lamps! I want them now! It's so hard for me to be patient sometimes...
The company is Lombok. They have Eastern inspired furniture and accessories that are really gorgeous. Not only do they have the kinds of styles I love, but they use reclaimed Teak for a lot of it. The lines are clean and simple, yet imaginative. They seem to be full of contraries like that. The look appears to be contemporary traditional, which is how I'm planning to furnish our house. When we get one, that is.
The dark wood of the bookcases is perfect to offset a pale wall, and they pull the eye up, to give the appearance of more height in your room. Plus, they're hand-made! Quality woodworking just can't be found off an assembly line. I can see the Bromo bookcase filled with all of my colorful books, and I want the Canton so I can fill it with some really awesome accessories.
Speaking of accessories, check out all the candles they have. I have a passion for candles, and when I can find a great candle holder, I'm in heaven! My favorites are all three of the Lotus ones. I love the drama of the Lotus in Dusk the most I think. Candles add more to a room than anything else you could put in. Except for interesting people, of course.
Then of course there are the things that keep you warm and cozy! Big, soft comfortable throws! I mean "Helloooo?" You can wrap you entire body in cashmere or silk! Can you say luxurious? I want the blue Swirl silk quilt to go with the perfect shade of green on my walls. Of course, I mean in my imaginary house. And for the living room I want the Chunky Slub throw. I don't have a clue what "slub" means, but it sure is pretty.
I really do like Lombok, but of course, there are a few cons. Namely the fact that their stores are only in the UK. Yeah, that part kind of sucks. They don't offer shipping overseas, but they will help you arrange to have a separate shipping company bring it across the pond. The prices are a little high, but not when you consider what you're getting.
I could furnish our entire house with all the pretty things from Lombok and never, ever leave! Especially if I had these lamps! I want them now! It's so hard for me to be patient sometimes...
Friday, October 3, 2008
Love Letters
Dear Thomas,
Four years, 2 months, and 7 days ago, we had our first date. You told me that night that you were going to marry me, but I wasn't trying to hear that! Thank God, you were persistent and you swept me right off my feet. And four years ago today, we drove to a family friend's house and we were married. It was one of the best days of my life. I think we were both sure of it. I remember being a little nervous, because we hadn't really known each other very long, but I knew we were supposed to be together.
Getting married to you was the best decision I have ever made and today I'm writing a letter to you, to tell you how very much I love and appreciate you. You always put me first. When you come home from work, you kiss me like you mean it. Like you missed me while you were gone. You constantly tell me how pretty I am, and I believe you! You tell me I'm a great mother and wife, even when I know I'm not doing everything I should. You tell me you're proud of me, and that makes me want to do even better.
Thomas, you are the man of my dreams. You are a wonderful man, husband, and father. I'm so proud of you for all of your accomplishments. The promotion and fighting and your morals. You're so strong, and I don't mean only physically! People look up to you, and follow your lead. The best thing about that is they want to follow you. They don't do it because they have to.
You are the reason I'm able to stay home with the kids. The reason I'm able to write and my biggest supporter and inspiration. You encourage all of us to do better. You make me want to be a better person!
I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, but you put up with all my craziness without complaining. And because of that, I want to do everything I can to make you happy. I know that you try to do the same for me.
You've given me laughter. We laugh together nearly every day. How many times have we laughed while we were having sex? I don't think many people have what we do. Our love is rare, baby, and I protect it fiercely.
You've given me the most wonderful, most important gift anyone could give when you gave me your heart. You showed me real, honest to goodness love. And you shower me with it. You let me give you my heart, and it is yours, completely. I don't think I could live without you. I would be a shell of a person just pretending to live.
What I'm trying to say, dear Thomas, is I love you so deeply. Maligaya kaaraawan, mahal! Mahal na mahal kita.
If you think I'm as funny as I think I am, then click on the pretty little widget below and give me a big goofy!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My Gift to Brian Papa
A little over a month ago, I was reading Sprite's Keeper and decided to click on a commenter who seemed particularly funny all the time. I have to confess, I don't do this very often. A lot of times, I only know a person through the comments they've left on other people's blogs. But fate was in control of my mouse that day, and I met a new friend. PapaTV is one of the funniest "daddy-bloggers" out there in internetland and I'm glad that we're friends.
Yesterday I discovered through Twitter that it's his birthday! My good friend has turned 35! It was actually yesterday, but since my kids were acting like little maniacs, I didn't get to it. So here it is today, Big Papa. You asked for a few things for you birthday, and while I can't ensure Ana while have a safe, short delivery, change the economy, or even make Nikki feel better, I can give you something else. Unsolicited advice. ;)
In 15 days or so, your life is going to change. Little Sienna will be here and in an instant your entire outlook on the world will shift. Yes, you will have those worrisome and slightly neurotic thoughts about things out of your control, but you'll also have hope. And brighter times. You'll realize that people really do care, and by striving to teach Sienna to have stronger values and better morals, you'll find that your own are perfect.
Cherish your days, all of them. The ones with Ana, and the ones with Sienna, and the ones that are just you. Somehow, time speeds up and clocks spin faster after you have a baby. There will be days that you don't think will ever end. But they will, and when you look back, you may even miss the hungry screaming in the middle of the night. Maybe.
Take tons of pictures. Sienna will change so fast that you won't be able to remember every little detail of how she looked. And believe me. You'll want to remember. Don't forget to include yourself and Ana in them. Together and separately. Because what we forget sometimes, is that we're changing too.
Establish separate sleeping habits. It's so important for the two of you, and for Sienna, that she sleeps on her own. There's plenty of time for cuddling during the day. She'll be much less clingy if she sleeps on her own. Don't let her nap in your arms too long. I know it's hard to put a baby down, but please do it. You have to start it right away, too. Tripp is the happiest, most independent baby out of all three, and he's the only one I did this with. I'm sure that's why.
And most important of all, don't forget about you and Ana. The best gift you can give a child is a happy family. That starts with the parents. Kiss Ana first when you get home from work. She should always be first, and you should always be first for her. Take date nights at least once a month. You'll find it's a little hard to leave the baby with someone else, but you both need it. Your life should not revolve around Sienna. It should revolve with her. Three different orbits, all coming together at the center.
The fun times are not over, love. They've only just begun! Keep doing fun things. Teach Sienna everything you know about everything. And don't shelter her too much. Kiss and cuddle each other in front of her. She needs to know that you love each other and that lovers touch. (Except, you know, keep it clean.)
So, Brian, happy birthday! I'm so glad we had that little misunderstanding about Tripp and whether or not he was a horny little dog.
If you think I'm as funny as I think I am, then click on the pretty little widget below and give me a big goofy!
Yesterday I discovered through Twitter that it's his birthday! My good friend has turned 35! It was actually yesterday, but since my kids were acting like little maniacs, I didn't get to it. So here it is today, Big Papa. You asked for a few things for you birthday, and while I can't ensure Ana while have a safe, short delivery, change the economy, or even make Nikki feel better, I can give you something else. Unsolicited advice. ;)
In 15 days or so, your life is going to change. Little Sienna will be here and in an instant your entire outlook on the world will shift. Yes, you will have those worrisome and slightly neurotic thoughts about things out of your control, but you'll also have hope. And brighter times. You'll realize that people really do care, and by striving to teach Sienna to have stronger values and better morals, you'll find that your own are perfect.
Cherish your days, all of them. The ones with Ana, and the ones with Sienna, and the ones that are just you. Somehow, time speeds up and clocks spin faster after you have a baby. There will be days that you don't think will ever end. But they will, and when you look back, you may even miss the hungry screaming in the middle of the night. Maybe.
Take tons of pictures. Sienna will change so fast that you won't be able to remember every little detail of how she looked. And believe me. You'll want to remember. Don't forget to include yourself and Ana in them. Together and separately. Because what we forget sometimes, is that we're changing too.
Establish separate sleeping habits. It's so important for the two of you, and for Sienna, that she sleeps on her own. There's plenty of time for cuddling during the day. She'll be much less clingy if she sleeps on her own. Don't let her nap in your arms too long. I know it's hard to put a baby down, but please do it. You have to start it right away, too. Tripp is the happiest, most independent baby out of all three, and he's the only one I did this with. I'm sure that's why.
And most important of all, don't forget about you and Ana. The best gift you can give a child is a happy family. That starts with the parents. Kiss Ana first when you get home from work. She should always be first, and you should always be first for her. Take date nights at least once a month. You'll find it's a little hard to leave the baby with someone else, but you both need it. Your life should not revolve around Sienna. It should revolve with her. Three different orbits, all coming together at the center.
The fun times are not over, love. They've only just begun! Keep doing fun things. Teach Sienna everything you know about everything. And don't shelter her too much. Kiss and cuddle each other in front of her. She needs to know that you love each other and that lovers touch. (Except, you know, keep it clean.)
So, Brian, happy birthday! I'm so glad we had that little misunderstanding about Tripp and whether or not he was a horny little dog.
If you think I'm as funny as I think I am, then click on the pretty little widget below and give me a big goofy!
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